My Vati – 1926-2022

And now for something completely different…

One of the great wonders of life, for me, is when I can actually see the connections of ‘this and that’ coming together to give me reason to evolve or an awareness that it is a time for emotional evolution.

So, here’s the story… back in August I learned that my biological father had died. The reason I am sharing this story is because this summer, this year, death has arrived in the lives of quite a few people who I care about. Maybe what I did for myself can help someone else.

My father was well into his 90s. His death wasn’t unexpected. It wasn’t dramatic and not as life affecting as it has been for the people referenced above. I was grateful to even have found out about his passing, because he was not a part of my life after about age 8 or 9. There were a few contacts as an adult, but our relationship seemed unable to develop into something long-lasting. Many questions remain unanswered.

During this time period, I started an on-line class, through Domestika.org, about drawing with ink. It was something new for me. The teacher was a Mexican artist, who talked about his influences. It turns out he was fascinated by death. The influence shows in his drawings. He said this death interest is imprinted through his culture. Think, Day of the Dead.

After I learned of my father’s death, I started to feel some emotions in a way I hadn’t before. They were like flutterings in me and around me. I felt something I could not identify with words.

My realizations where that there was indeed a distinction between Shawn as an adult and her child self. The adult is more equipped for acceptance, but that young girl had a different perspective. I believe she was asking for the adult Shawn to address the flutterings.

Bottom line is that this drawing was part of a way to come to terms with the father/daughter non-relationship and the questions which will never be answered. Art is an amazing healing tool.

In my case, with the ink drawing, it was meditative and relaxing. I had to reflect and plan how to express what I was feeling, then the details of the drawing took time and patience, which ultimately led to resolution and acceptance.  If this idea is intriguing, but intimidating, there are Art Therapists one can work with who can also be helpful.

It doesn’t matter the level of experience or feeling of own’s talent. There is something profound to involve oneself in an intentional artistic experience that can be deeply healing.

My father was born at the beginning of an eclipse season. It was a Lunar Eclipse within a day or less of his birth, followed a couple weeks later by a solar eclipse. The eclipse was in Capricorn, already showing some potential karma. (If I had been alive then it would have been impactful in my horoscope.)

He came from Eastern European stock, though born in Hamburg. That’s partly why there is snow in the drawing. The mountains represent the Capricorn emphasis— his Capricorn moon.

He and I had many connections astrologically and they were, quite honestly, tough ones. But what struck me most, was that he had his own challenges. We can choose how to respond to those challenges, but just to see his astrological birth chart, at this point in my life, after his death, was huge.

The mountains represent the challenges of his life and our connection.

I was able to feel compassion toward him and his Soul’s Journey. I could also extend more compassion to that ‘little me’ whose life was permanently changed (and to my brother) when my parents split up and he disappeared.

Finally, the other awareness was that divorce had just started becoming more common, which means there is a subset of a generation who may be in the same situation as me, having great difficulty in trusting other humans to stick around or have our backs. I am trusting, now, there are better tools, more understanding and society has become better at supporting families in situations like this, though I don’t know this to be true as a fact.

The circle with his head/face is a representation of the eclipse. He was a Cancer Sun sign born with Pluto, the planet of death and transformation, close to his Sun, opposite his Moon. Death is opening its arms to reveal the Universe and the potential for further growth, however that may manifest.

Final point of interest, probably just to me, is that during the most recent Scorpio/Taurus eclipse season, which has ended, is when I was driven to do the most work on this project. This required me to look more closely at my own evolutionary journey. Scorpio-the connection to deep emotions & relationship contracts. Taurus-our values and our needs and relationship to ourselves.

Maybe you can relate and if you feel like sharing, please do.